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Attack of the Barking Spiders

by David Hearne

Subject: [glass_onion] Food Challenge -- Attack of the Barking Spiders (1 of 1) Date: Saturday, June 08, 2002 10:17 AM

TITLE: Attack of the Barking Spiders
AUTHOR: David Hearne
CLASSIFICATION: Response to Cofax's food challenge RATING: PG
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It had been those damn Shefrel peppers. Everybody had eaten them, even Pilot. Now they were giving out more gas than Mobil.

Not all the smells were unpleasant. Zhaan's farts were a dust of spores which sweetened the air. Chiana's farts were odorless, even though she produced many which ran up and down the tonal range. Aeryn exerted great control over herself, thus only producing the tiniest farts.

As for Pilot, though, only he occupied his chambers at that moment. The black waste in the lower tiers was bubbling and filling the chambers above with fumes.

Then there was Rygel. One half of Moya was his alone for a whole solar day.

Being guys, D'Argo and John made a contest out of their condition. They tried to see who could fart louder.


"Oh, that's a good one!" John said. "But I've got one coming that will knock you..."

A ball of light floated toward them. "Tinkerbell?" John wondered.

Stark came chasing after the light. "Ah, there you are!" he said, catching it.

"Stark, what is that?" D'Argo asked.

"I, um, seem to be losing my essence through a...body cavity."

"You fart balls of light?" John said.

"Well, yes. Now if you'll excuse me..." Stark bit into the light.

Both D'Argo and John jumped back. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?"

"I must reclaim my essence," Stark insisted and swallowed another mouthful of light.

"I can't beat that," D'Argo muttered.

"Neither can I," John agreed. "You win, Stark."

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