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TITLE:"Tonight" (filk)
AUTHORS: Jonquil ( and Nestra (
DISTRIBUTION: Available at our Websites ( or others, just ask. HTML available on request.
SPOILERS: Through fifth season.
SUMMARY: Everybody looks forward to a new season.
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to large corporations, and were created by the brilliant writers for Buffy and Angel.
[To the tune of "Tonight", from West Side Story, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim (duh), music by Leonard Bernstein.
Oh, and this is the quintet, not the duet, and the stage version, not the movie version. Everybody got that? This will be on the final.
Parody is fair use, honest to Pete. Ask Weird Al Yankovic. Legal fees gratefully accepted.]

[The stage is empty except for a set of Styrofoam gravestones artfully painted to look like .... well, Martha Stewarted styrofoam. Stage center, a large gravefoam reads:

Buffy Summers
She saved the world
A lot
Burma Shave

A grey-shrouded figure with a question mark hovering over his/her/its face strides on stage right. This is the New Big Bad, or NBB for short.

Spike, sporting the Bed-Head of Partial Redemption, sashays his pelvis (and the rest of him) on stage left, duster swirling and attitude on Stun. ]

SPIKE: Big Bad is gonna kick some ass
NBB: My cunning plan will come to pass

SPIKE: A witch, a bitch, some losers --
Why fight?
[shrugs] Chipped vampires can't be choosers
They can't even bite...

[The NBB starts to twirl a mustache, realizes this would be gender-specific, and converts the gesture into a vague wave.]

NBB: I'll trigger off my master plan

[Willow and Tara wander in stage left, tie-dyed as usual, and exchanging googly eyes (Willow's glowing black). Xander and Anya follow, googly ditto ditto, plus hands in by-no-means-new places. Dawn enters third, rolls her eyes at the lovers, and stands next to Spike. He pushes her behind him. She tries to stomp on his foot. Fortunately, their cue intervenes.]

SPIKE AND SCOOBS: We'll thwart your scheme as best we can

[A motley crew of eviltude storms in stage right; the impact of their entrance is unfortunately diminished by their habit of stumbling over one another's feet. A minion bumps into a gravestone, falls on a tree root, and vanishes in a cloud of dust. NBB gives the dustpile a dirty look and begins to sing. Eviltude chimes in, half a beat behind.]

known as Evil): We're badder than the Mayor
Our turn!
'Cause now that there's no Slayer
The town's gonna burn...

[Evil postures. Good postures back. Spike does, anyway. Dawn bounces up and down to try to see over his shoulder. Anya says something about money and/or sex. Willow and Tara roll their eyes at Xander. Xander puts on his "I know, I know, but at least I'm getting laid" expression.]

ALL: We'll CGI it tonight,
We're gonna stake and kick and chomp, maim and tear!
SPIKE, ANYA, TARA, WILLOW: We're gonna dye it tonight!
EVERYBODY ELSE (disgusted):
Apocalypse and you're hung up on your hair?

SPIKE AND SCOOBS: We're gonna slay you!
NBB AND VAMPS: We're gonna flay you!
ALL: And we're the ones who'll send you into despair,

[There is a noise. Everybody whirls to face center stage. A voice muffled by several feet of dirt (and a mouthful of pebbles) begins to sing.]

BUFFY: I'm gonna rise up from the grave
I hope my friends are feeling brave
Last year my death was fated.
Poor me!
This year I'm obligated

WILLOW: Tonight, tonight,
is not just any night.
Tonight my darkest magick may show.
Tonight, tonight, I'll fight some vamps tonight.
And they'll die when my eyes start to glow.
I'll make my preparations,
I'll gather all my potions,
And plan spells to recite.
Oh, Powers of Light,
Please make this endless day endless night!

[Willow rises two feet in the air and floats menacingly towards a few red-shirted vamps. They eye her nervously and start to back up, although one manages to accidentally decapitate himself with his own axe. ]

SPIKE: The witch is gonna play some tricks
With any luck I'll get my kicks
Can't wait to get some violence.
I will not wait in silence --
In fact, I won't wait.

[Willow, Spike, and Tara sing simultaneously. By some miracle, they all stay on tempo. In the wings, we glimpse Giles making mystical passes; even Sunnydale isn't THAT miraculous.]

WILLOW: So you will back me up, vamp?
SPIKE: Damn right.
WILLOW: You'll fight for good after all?
SPIKE: Damn! [crossing fingers behind back] Right.
WILLOW: Death to life!
SPIKE: Life to undeath!
[Willow gives him a glowy-eyed look and he backs down.]
WILLOW: Just keep your fangs to yourself.
SPIKE (sulky): Tonight...

TARA: Tonight, tonight
We'll cast some spells tonight,
Though my girl's got more mojo by far.

[The Scoobs strike aggressive, vampire-slaying poses and gesture threateningly. Anya begins to look a bit nervous.

Evil makes equally threatening gestures. A minion inadvertently elbows NBB in the question mark. NBB makes a significant gesture and the minion glows green, then goes poof. The other minions back off and give NBB his space.

From this point, GOOD, EVIL, WILLOW, TARA, and SPIKE sing simultaneously. In counterpoint, if we're very, very lucky. Giles's gestures accelerate to such speed that his hands acquire infinite mass.]

GOOD: Exterminate them tonight!
We're gonna triumph tonight!
It's a showdown,
It's a showdown,
It's a showdown,
ANYA: And we will all be dying once and for all
REMAINING SCOOBS (defiantly): Our noble plan will come to
This time we'll really kick some ass.
ANYA: We're gonna perish tonight
SCOOBS: We're gonna vanquish tonight

EVIL: We're gonna fang 'em tonight!
It's a showdown
And evil's bound to triumph once and for all
Our cunning plan will come to pass
And we're the ones who'll kick some ass
We'll have some mayhem tonight.

BUFFY: Tonight, tonight,
Late tonight,
I'm gonna rise up tonight.
[Buffy's hand bursts through the sod and waves expressively
in time with the rest of the verse.]
I'm gonna break out through the grass,
I'm gonna break out through the grass,
And then I'll kick some demon ass
Tonight, tonight,
Tonight, this Tuesday night,
I'm resurrected tonight!

[The cast stares suspiciously at the hand, which remains in place, neither rising nor sinking. Trapdoor got stuck. They shrug and go on with the song.]

TARA: Tonight, tonight,
I'm worried 'bout tonight.
'Cause my Wiccan love's going too far.

TARA: Today her hair has gone all streaky
WILLOW: At least my 'do has body.
BOTH: Oh, well, it's not our fault.
Oh, Powers of Light,
Please make this endless day endless night!

ALL: Tonight!

[The Forces Of Evil attempt to slouch terrifyingly while snapping their hands; unfortunately, they collide with one another, forming a Keystone Kops dogpile. The New Big Bad throws up its hand in disgust and stalks offstage. The Forces scramble to their feet and, jockeying for position using elbows, fangs, and odd inhuman appendages, follow him.

Buffy's hand snaps its fingers, then does jazz hands. Jazz hand, actually. The Scoobs attempt some of those electrifying Jerome Robbins leaps. Xander pulls a groin muscle. Anya fusses over him. Spike sniggers, then pulls Dawn into a tango dip on general principle.

Tableau. Curtain falls.]


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