Duty, Expectations, Desperation
Feedback: EilanofAlbion@gmx.net looksnice Title: Duty, Expectations, Desperation (XF) Category: V, Angst, missing scenes
Keywords: WMM, CSM, Diana
Archive: Yes, just ask me first.
Spoiler: "Patient X/The Red and the Black", "Two Fathers/One Son", "Biogenesis" Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, but CC's.
Summary: "I didn't want this to happen." 3 Vignettes Thanks to: The Lone Gungirls (Karo and XFilerN) and Lanie for the beta. Author's Note: A collection of 3 short vignettes. Each of them set in a different episode (see Spoilers). Enjoy.
I didn't want this to happen. I really didn't. But it happened and now you're lying down there and I can't do anything. You look like you're dead. Maybe death would be merciful compared to what you have to endure now.
How did you get infected with it, Marita? Didn't we teach you not to get into contact with someone who's infected? Why did you go against our warnings? Was it worth it?
The vaccacine doesn't work and I know what that means. Tests. Pain. And the chance that you'll never leave Fort Marlene.
Yes, we used you all your life. Like we did with many. But you were safe. And now that you've gone against us your life once again relies on us. Our vaccacine is your only hope of survival. Irony, that's what it is. You run away from us, directly into our arms. If it wasn't you who's lying there I'd laugh.
But I can't, because it is you. You're my daughter despite all that. The only one who was good enough to work for the syndicate. You're as much biologically my daughter as you're it ideologically. At least until some time ago. Then you betrayed us. Did you really think you'd get away with it? Were you that naive? Because than I've been been a bad teacher for you.
Or did someone force you to do it? Krycek, the man which you wouldn't even know if it wasn't for me? Did you really think we wouldn't notice your affair? I never thought you know us this little, Marita.
And now that's the price you and I have to pay for it. You will suffer and I'll have to watch it.
But it's inevitable. The Syndicate has its eyes everywhere, Marita. And we have to learn to obey to that.
I didn't want this to happen. How deep do you have to sink to kill your own son? Or to give your wife into the hands of alien scientists? Or to let your other son belive his whole life that his sister was kidnapped by aliens?
I did all that. And I knew what I was doing. There is no excuse for what I have done. And I don't need one. Except one: It wasn't a mean in itself. I did it because it was the best I could do. For the world.
Jeffrey was a loser. It was only because of me that he got to where he was in the end. I helped him, hoping he would do the right things. He didn't fulfill my expectations and would've made everything even worse if I'd let him live.
I placed all my hopes in Cassandra and Mulder. Cassandra was the opportunity to prevent colonization. Mulder was the back-up plan should the aliens ally against us. Now it seems as though they have done exactly that. The syndicate has fallen to pieces. The American and the European one. The only ones who are left are Diana and I.
Marita's still in Fort Marlene, but I'll get her out of it soon, as back-up. And Krycek's still on the agenda. It's ironic that in my desperation I have to rely on the two persons of whom I know that they'll turn against me as soon as they have th opportunity to. But even if they do so they won't fully turn their back to the project. At least I hope so. Every time the two of them tried to escape, they only got sucked in deeper into the project. They are dependant, puppets who think that they cut their strings. But they didn't, the strings just got invisible. And undestroyable.
Diana doesn't need anything to keep her in line. Her unconditional surrender to the project is almost scary. Almost. Maybe she just pretends it. I'll have to watch her more.
But first I have to find a way to get this corpse out of here. Shouldn't be difficult, one phone call or two. And even if I don't do it, I don't care. I'll get away with it. In this life there won't be a trial for me.
I didn't want this to happen. Really, Fox, I didn't.
"I know that you know about me, my loyalties," I hear myself say and even in my ears it sounds hollow. I was never only loyal to him.
If I think about it a bit longer I never was a bit loyal to him. We never had this trust that I see that you and Scully seem to have.
I'm not jealous. Why should I? Yes, I loved you and a spark of it still exists in both of us, more in you than in me. But not any more.
I work for 'the other side' now even though I'm not sure whether it can be called that, 'cause deep down we have the same goal, don't we? We just want to live. And I don't want you to die. That was never one of my goals.
I don't know whether you can understand it, Fox, but Spender was like a father to me when I needed one. Yes, he used me to achieve what he wanted, bur aren't you being used yourself? Everyone is always used by someone, Fox, no one's free. I learned that. It's painful, but I learned it. And deep inside of you, you know it, too.
Don't let them destroy you, Fox. You're a good man, don't give up. I won't give you up. I can't get you out of here, it's too risky. It's not only since Marita and Jeffrey that I know what happens to 'traitors'. Scully will save you. In more than one way, I have to belive that. She can give you what I can't. Not any more. Trust. Unconditional support.
Maybe sometime I'll be able to give that again. But not to you. Because than you won't take it.
Do you understand me, Fox?
I imagine to see you nod. It could be my imagination, born out of desperation. Betrayal has its consequences. I know that. And I'm ready for them, because I found peace.
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